It's been 7 months since I started teaching part-time. God has provided graciously, and Creative Studies (my practice's name) grew from 2 students in the beginning to 11 at the moment. It has been really nice to be able to work and develop skills and understanding in education, while at the same time the job allows a flexible schedule where I can be there for Luke. Even better is that I have started some group lessons at home so I can save travel time. This has been working out pretty well, except for the minor interruptions during lessons when Luke wakes up from his nap.
Still, that ever-present mother's guilt is sometimes hard to shake off. Even though I work a 20-hour week and spend all my mornings and evenings with Luke, there are days I struggle to maintain perspective and let the guilt tell me that I'm a bad mom. Especially on days that I have to leave for work when Luke's around, he would cry and shed those big, pitiful tears, "Mama don't teach!" :( I usually make the farewell short and sweet - hug, kiss, and assure he'd be fine -then cut out with wrenching guilt in my chest. In my mind, I still maintain that it's better and healthier for both Luke and I that I spend some time outside of the home, but a mother's guilt is a tricky thing to get over.
Interesting insight from the "Mars" side of things: Matt says he misses Luke while at work, but never really feels guilty going to work. He also doesn't have issue with leaving Luke with our maid every once in a while on a Saturday. (We were recently invited to go on a client's boat for a day sail which we had to leave Luke behind. I vehemently opposed the idea because I just can't justify sacrificing our weekend family time while both of us work during the week already. We ended up not going - we concluded that it would be a waste of time, for other reasons, anyway.) Logically speaking, a lot of Luke's childhood memory will be based on the quality of our time spent together (even though quantity is important, too), but for some reason, I just can't bypass the guilt. Wonder if it's like that for most moms.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
A Tricky Thing
Posted by The Singapore Slings at 9:23 PM
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1 comments:
I think the guilt is always there to some extent. I think men don't feel it because they were raised to assume in large part that it's not their jobs. It's their job to be a dad, but being a dad doesn't equal being at home all the time. Because of historical cultural expectations, being a mom is equated with being in the home.
I think each mom has to come to terms with what she thinks she is called to, or what's necessary financially. I always try to remind myself that on days that I don't want to go to work, there is some mom wishing she could get out of the house. The grass is always greener...and because of that I'm not convinced that more time in the home is always the best use of time. If the mom in the home is dying or boredom, then I question the helpfulness of the situation to the child, the mother, and the family.
Anyway, it's complicated to say the least.
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